So, there I was sitting in my luxury apartment, having just finished a few documents for a client and curled up in my Snuggy, reviewing the extensive, quality assortment of automobiles available from Noah Dupont’s rental service. And by quality, I mean quality, at the most reasonable rates.
I was wise enough to opt for the Premium Subscriber package, one of the perks of that service is; I just dial 073-1169, get in touch with Mr. Dupont and request a luxury automobile for my use. Bonus, they will even deliver your vehicle right to you!
Essentially, living the good life, debating whether or not to add a splash of peppermint vodka to my hot chocolate, when the all too familiar rattle of gunfire in the distance caught my attention. Like most New Yorkers these days, I typically just walk the other way, keep my head down, and go about my business.
Yet, I was drawn to my window since the shots were coming from the most sacred point in all of New York, the hallowed halls of justice, our beloved courthouse!
I couldn’t see what was happening but the noise held me rapt, hundreds of rounds must have been fired in the exchange, and then to my surprise, an explosion rang out, rattling the knick-knacks decorating my place, a hand-crafted ashtray I made when trying to hook up with an artsy broad some months back fell off the table, the windows in my place shook, it was not enjoyable, to say the least.
I knew there was a high-profile trial going on at the time, something to do with The Cartel (note the capitalized letters). It was quite the topic amongst my colleagues for a few days and thankfully, I wasn’t present to catch a bullet meant for someone else. Once the smoke cleared and an additional twenty to twenty-five minutes passed, just in case, I went to investigate, my hot cocoa and Snuggy left behind.
First, a little background. The trial was actually a bail hearing and the man on trial; Miguel Gallardo, by all accounts, a bad guy. A bad but connected guy. So well connected that a special Judge had to be brought to New York all the way from Virginia because those connections involved conflicts of interest for our Most Honorable justices.
I am not going to speculate on why those sitting on the bench here in New York had to recuse themselves but you don’t need an abacus to do the math and come to your own conclusion.
Second, Mr. Gallardo opted to represent himself at court, which is highly inadvisable. Considering the capital offense he was charged with, including the big M, that’s Murder for those who have no imagination, it’s not surprising that bail or house arrest was rejected by the judge. It could just be that no defense attorney was willing, considering how things turned out, thankfully I wasn’t tapped for the job. Shame that Albini wasn’t there.
Anywho! The Judge, Joseph Caldwell is his name, who shot down the attempt by the defendant to get house arrest. If he had approved and let Gallardo go home with an ankle monitor to play Call of Duty, things may have gone differently in the courthouse.
An argument ensued, naturally, the defendant was angry at the decision and rushed the judge only to be brought down via taser and restrained by a member of our illustrious New York State Police. I’m already fighting one lawsuit from the NYSP, so I won’t list any names but you know who you are.
Something happened with the restraints, they fell off! The crowd in the gallery, several members of questionable mien, were shouting, “Stab him! Stab the bastard!” And Gallardo was quick to comply with his audience, sticking a shiv into the chest of Joseph Caldwell.
Despite attempts by first responders on the scene, unfortunately, Mr. Caldwell did not make it and he bled out from the wound, propped against the bench from where he made the fateful decision to take on The Guadalajara Cartel.
Naturally, Ashie Vanetti – Cortes, our fair city’s current District Attorney started demanding answers. “Where the -fuck- did he get handcuff keys and a shank?!” She demanded of the escort assigned to Gallardo. One member of the ESU escort quipped, “Prison wallet?” and got a few chuckles. The death glare he received from the D.A. was colder than the hyphen in her last name, and I hear that the officer’s testicles have yet to emerge from hiding.
The Guadalajara Cartel was polite enough to issue this Tweet before turning the courthouse lawn into the final circle of a Battle Royale. Since this matter is still under investigation, the names of the perpetrators and victims have yet to be released but I am assured that there were no cats harmed during the violence and the K9 on the scene was also uninjured. That’s what really matters.
Miguel Gallardo remains in custody and I am excited to see what else comes from this fiasco. El jefe de jefes, the Boss of Bosses, will certainly have more cards to play and given the money, connections, and willingness of The Cartel to throw down with the police I’m certain there will be more to come.
In the meantime, there are still many unanswered questions about this ordeal. Most especially;
How did the prisoner, who was allegedly searched three times, manage to get keys to handcuffs and a shank into the courtroom?
Who else in the city is involved with The Cartel and in what capacity?
Will the Honorable Joseph Caldwell be the last victim of the Guadalajara Cartel?
G. Nelson, attorney, freelance writer, rental car enthusiast.