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Confessions of Crime: The Meese – Part 2 of 2

‘Confessions of Crime’ is a Weazel News original series featuring real confessions of New York’s criminal underworld.
All confessions are protected under the anonymity clause unless they have deemed otherwise. Weazel News does not support or condone the actions in these confessions you are about to hear.

In our prior episode, we spoke to ‘Blue Cheese’ who was joined by another member of the Meese gang that we’ll speak to today. During this interview, they preferred to be identified as “Stuart Little”.

[Start of interview]

“Why are you acting all weird?”

No reason.

“Well I’m just a little nervous, I’ve never done a codpast before.”

It’s pronounced ‘Podcast’.

“You weren’t recording were you?”

We were.

Can you state your name for the record?

“Meese. Gang.”

[The individual later asked we refer to them as “Stuart Little”]

“How long would you say you’ve been a criminal for?”

“I have don’t commit any crimes.”

“Blue Cheese, how many times would you say Stuart Little has gone to jail?”

Blue Cheese: “Uhhhh, over 9000.”

Stuart Little: “Okay, maybe I have committed criminal activities in the past”

“What kind of criminal activities?”

“Uhm well you see. Every time I fly into the city. There’s this charming young lady named “Blue Cheese” that calls me every time and says “Would you like to go rob a store with me?” and I say “Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
And then I go rob a store with her.

“So you don’t do it for the money?”

Stuart Little: “No it’s not– It’s–Why do I hang out with you, Blue Cheese?”

Blue Cheese: “I don’t fuckin’ know.”

Stuart Little: “I don’t know. We don’t make anything off this shit.”

“So you do it for the rush?”

Yeah the rushhhhhh. The adrenalinos as the mexicans call it.

“So why the Meese gang?”

“Well, Meese are awesome and we are Meese so we are awesome.”

“If you were the describe the greatest crime you’ve ever done. What would it be?”

“Whew, boy. That’s a question. Well I don’t think we’ve ever accomplished something so it’s not really a successful endeavour. Blue Cheese, what’s our most awesome crime?”

Blue Cheese: “…”

Stuart Little: “Great, thanks awesome. Appreciate the help. Yeah no I can’t think of anything pacific.”
(This is not a typo, he actually said pacific.)

“Shooting someone that looks remotely like a taco or a juice box?”

“Nah, we like tacos and juice boxes”

“Yesterday we uhhh evening. We got into some trouble, we hit a bank.
I ended up in a Vinewood tour bus AND I ESCAPED. I’m just that good of a driver.”

“How did you escape?”

“Because I’m that good of a driver. It maaaaaay have had something to do with all the other people hopped out and got chased. We don’t have to include that in the details of this.
(We included all the details.)

“Just…just make it sound cooler than that.”

“We can write your piece in italics for this section”

“Yeah yeah, italics are cool. Include like a jump where I flew over a helicopter that was on route to get me and as I flew over it, the helicopter blew up and I landed afterwards and drove away.”

“Did you take out the helicopter as you flew over it?”

“No, I uhhh dropped one of those things. Y’know the things that you unscrew screws with. You drive them in the wood and stuff?”

“A screwdriver?”

“Yeah yeah, I dropped it into the helicopter’s rotor blades, it fell in and then it blew up”

“If you’re a criminal, no doubt you’ll have a nemesis on the force. Who would that be for you?”

<Evil laugh> “Ho ho ho ha ha ha. Oh fuck that Spricket guy, I can’t stand him”

“So what’s the deal between you two?”

“Ohhhh he always calls me old when he’s older than I am even though I’m probably older than he is and he thinks I have a fake beard even though he has the same one and he always puts me in jail”

“How old would you say he is?”

“Probably going on around around 155.”

“Exactly or just around?”

“Maybe 150…give or take 120.”

“How many wars do you think he’s been in?”

“None, he’s a bitch.”

“If you were to have a letter delivered to him, what would it say?”

“Very capitalised, very bold saying ‘FUCK YOU SPRICKET!!!’ no wait scratch that. Exclamation point, three of them.”

“What would you say to the newborn criminal?”

“I would tell them to stay as far away from Blue Cheese as humanely possible. I would also tell them to come to me to learn about crime because I’m the best one in the entire city.”

“And also stay away from Mason Dawson because he is terrible”

“Did I pass the test?”

[End of interview]

Interested in sharing your confession? Please contact Jack Blazkovicz to arrange your place on the show. Additionally, we would love to hear your feedback, feel free to reach out to Jack if you have any complaints or compliments about this show!

The contact number for all Confessions of Crime remains toll-free [788-1826]