‘Confessions of Crime’ is a Weazel News original series featuring real confessions of New York’s criminal underworld.
All confessions are protected under the anonymity clause unless they have deemed otherwise. Weazel News does not support or condone the actions in these confessions you are about to hear.
Interested in sharing your confession? Please contact Jack Blazkovicz to arrange your place on the show. Additionally, we would love to hear your feedback, feel free to reach out to Jack if you have any complaints or compliments about this show!
The contact number for all Confessions of Crime remains toll-free [788-1826]
In today’s episode, we’ve been able to speak to members of the Meese gang. All of the members have made various claims in the confession that required them to remain anonymous during the interview. Their names will be referred to as “Stuart Little” and “Blue Cheese”
“Okay Blue Cheese, how long would you consider you’ve been a criminal for?”
“Hehehehehe, a few years now. I’d say.”
“Every criminal has what they refer to as their magnum opus, the greatest crime to this day. What is your magnum opus?”
“So this happened yesterday. We were with the Taco gang, about roughly four of us and we were just robbing bank after bank. We were using yellow Raiden. This was by far the most amazing thing I’ve been a part of. We roll up to the bank, we got a hostage whose a little scared. He was like really scared. I could have bitten him but I didn’t. Besides the point, we’re robbing this bank and get into the Raiden and we start driving.
Now I’m a really bad driver most of the time and I did really fuckin’ good. On a scale of one to five, I was really good.”
“Do you think you were in the zone?”
I was in the IN THE ZONE. We were zooming and had lost maybe (we had about four officers on us) and we ended up making our way to the butcher. We were down to about three of them on us. So we make our way to the Butcher shop, where they chop up animals for meat. So we get there, we start to barricade ourselves in there, just chilling. A bunch of officers just showed up and to our surprise, there was this door with like no cops in sight. We think we totally escaped them and make our way to Alfie Warrens’ gun store. We barricade up in there for a little bit and start to think ‘We gotta get out of there!’. So we try to [borrow] a ride, finally, we get a local to give us their ride. Right in the corner of our eyes, there’s a cop telling us to show them some hands. We take off and we just drive. After a while on it, we all agreed to head to the morgue. Once we got in there, they’re was zombies everywhere. The cops didn’t believe us as we shot and stabbed them, there was like 300 of them in there. Eventually the cops got in and we put our guns down. We don’t want to hurt cops, we respect their jobs. So three of us make our way up to the third floor, there’s a bunch of files in there of all the dead people ’cause it’s a morgue and all that.
Have you ever watched titanic?
I might have watched it fourteen times…
So you know that song they play when the titanic is going down?
Like when the titanic’s going down and they’re still playing the music?
So we were playing that song, we think it fit the situation pretty well. ESU was around, we could hear them breaching up for us. We were commentating them coming up to get us. It was really stressful for us.
As they were coming up, we started to play the guitars we had on us.
Okay, uhm. With our guitars, we start making our way downstairs. Now one of the Taco gangs, I think it was grape. So this was Grape. He just runs in and tackles like three of the officers. This gave us a chance to get out of there. Now there was this officer, DJ Doo. He’s a really nice officer. He tazes me and there’s like this zombie behind me. So he tazes me and then he handcuffs me and I thought that was the end of it (It actually is) and we’re just chilling outside cause we’re going to jail for a long time.
Now I’m a really bad driver most of the time and I did really fuckin’ good.
So this drunk guy, he just shows up staggering all over the place and pulls a knife and just shanks the officer then BOOM! All three of the cops just started blasting him. It was the biggest shootout I’ve ever seen. I think he died
Then we taken down to the station, I flooded the toilet and then we got sent off to prison for a pretty long time.
So you mentioned the Meese gang and the Taco gang. Are they like the same thing?
Taco gang and Juice gang are rivals. That’s the way it is for that.
It sounds like a fast-food rivalry. That sound about right?
Hehehe, yeah it kinda is. They’re definitely rivals and I don’t know why. I guess you could say there’s some bad lettuce going around.
What would you say is your most committed crime?
I would say ummm, robbing the store on Innocence and I usually rob it in a golf cart.
Why rob stores in a golf cart?
I don’t really like fast cars, well I like fast cars but I just really like driving golf carts. They’re so much fun!
Second last question for you to finish this off.
What would your first words be to someone that’s turning to crime?
Don’t do it, <laughs> It’s just not worth it.
Aaaand any final words to finish this interview?
I….want to say….I’m gonna kill Spricket. He’s-He’s-He’s really mean.
No listen I’m gonna reword this. I’m gonna squeeze the everloving duck out of him.