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Ask Nyri-Lovers and Friends

I want to express concern to my boyfriend about him talking to other girls in the city, I don’t like him flirting, but I feel like I may be overreacting.” -23 y/o female

Nyri- Well, if it is bothering you then it is obviously something that you need to address. From what I know and have seen, men and women flirt. It may be a big deal to some and not to others. Try looking at it from his point of view and ask yourself these questions: “Does he consider what he is doing as flirting?”, “What I consider flirting, would he consider flirting?”, and “What could possibly be done differently in his case to change the way he interacts with women?”. 

Once you conclude regarding those questions, it may be time to ask him some questions and communicate how you feel to him. Once this conversation has taken place, begin to model the behavior that you want to see. Express how it makes you feel. For example, “when you flirt with other girls, I feel like I’m not enough for you.” Make it a habit to express how things make you feel and less accusatory. If none of these tips help, it may be time to reevaluate one of two things, “is it something that you can live with if it doesn’t change?” and “Is it time to reconsider this relationship?”. Remember that when you express to your partner that something they are doing is bothering you and they refuse to work on it, it may just be time to reconsider. 

“Why are girls so indecisive?” – Ghost

Nyri- That’s a loaded question. Here is my opinion on women’s decisiveness or lack thereof. I believe that women have been taught or conditioned to be less assertive in society. This dates back to times when women were not allowed to be assertive. We have been conditioned to believe that being assertive in our thoughts and actions can often scare men or divert them in a different direction. Nowadays, I feel women have developed quite the statement of decisiveness. Women make important decisions daily regarding dinner, work questions, scheduling, etc. 

I believe that decisiveness in women is situational. Let’s talk about the dreaded situation: “What do you want to eat?” This has and will always be a hard decision for women. Exploring that would include many aspects such as cost, “cheap or expensive”, quantity, “will this be a big meal or something slight”, and consideration for the other person, “will he/she like what I chose?”. It truly is a reason why women take so long to make certain decisions; however, it could be something that you haven’t quite thought about. 

The next time you are asked to decide upon something, think about the different aspects that women may consider when making that choice. Also, if she says, “You pick.” Do her a favor and just pick. -Nyri

“How do I prove to my man that he really means a lot to me when what I’m doing currently doesn’t seem enough?” -Lily, 24 y/o woman

Nyri- In my opinion, having to prove things in a relationship is a recipe for disaster. Things should not have to be proven, love, happiness, respect etc. shouldn’t have to be “proven”. I’m all about communication. Talk to your man about what you are not doing in the relationship that would make him feel like he does not mean a lot to you. Compromise with his answer. If it is something that you cannot adjust to, then you need to compromise on what you can provide. 

Some additional things that could show him that he means a lot to you could be: Give him more attention. Focus more on him, eliminating other outside things. Verbal affirmations are another big thing in a relationship. Verbally stating your feelings could be just what he needs to hear. “I trust you”, “I agree with you”, or even regularly saying, “I love you” if you are at that stage in the relationship.

Sharing your own feelings and fears with him would also help to show how you feel about him. Be honest. Let him know when you’re feeling guarded, dwelling on a mistake, or simply not feeling yourself lately. Those things will clear any questions that he might have about how you are acting at the moment. Lastly, I would say don’t criticize his feelings. We are all individuals and have different ways of thinking and acting. We have different things that we like and don’t like. Just be honest and again, if a compromise is unable to be found then it may be time to part ways. 

“How do you tell someone you miss them while respecting their wishes to be just friends?” – Anonymous

Nyri- Ah the dreaded friend-zone, it sucks. I’m a very blunt person, I hate to beat around the bush so I wont start now. Imagine finally making a decision and expressing to someone the outcome of the decision and them not accepting it. It’s hard on both parts, especially when feelings are involved. You are allowed to miss people, you’re allowed to still like/love people even when the feeling cannot be reciprocated. The problem comes with the motive. What is your motive behind letting someone know that you miss them? Are you looking for that feeling to be reciprocated? Are you looking to just express it and it be done? Are you looking to go back to the way things were? Those are questions you have to ask, and be honest with yourself about. 

You want to respect their wishes to just be friends but you want them to know that you miss them, you miss being around them or with them. If you truly wish to respect them, I personally would keep it to myself. Relationships and breakups are hard. It’s even harder when one person has deeper feelings than the other one. Take time to adjust your feelings. Stop spending time around that person. Being around someone continuously does not help with getting over them. If you feel like you absolutely must confess to them that you miss them…don’t. 

Email your ‘Ask Nyri’ questions to Sassi#0800