Strap in, Dear Reader, you’re in for a treat. Follow my handy how-to guide you, too, can enjoy a taste of the good life. Yes, even if you are one of ‘the poors’.
Look, we all know hyperinflation has made an already expensive city, well, hyper-expensive. Eighty million-dollar cars, two hundred-million-dollar homes that have spotty cable television, and four thousand dollar gourmet Burger Shot meals, New York is not a forgiving place for you poor people.
I’m not going to tell you to budget, skip your morning coffee, and pull yourself up by your bootstraps, the following will not contain sound-saving practices because, let’s face it, if you’re poor you’re screwed and will more than likely die poor.
Live for the moment and when you D.O.A. get buried face down so your children can kiss your ass, get it and spend it. But I digress… First, there’s a guy in the city who rents luxury cars on the cheap. Even has subscription services and will deliver right to your door. I’m not going to mention the name of this entrepreneur because he hasn’t paid me to plug his service into this article and he also hired some other attorney to handle his rental contracts when I was CLEARLY available.
Again, I digress. Keep your eye on Twitter and you will see that guy’s flyer.
Second, events! There’s always something going on in the city every few days. Typically these are catered and a great way to get some free food and drinks once you cover a small entry fee (or sneak in if it’s outdoors). Keep in mind, Dear Reader, if they offer a buffet and do not specify all you can eat HERE, you are legally entitled to take some home with you, as the Sizzlers restaurant chain discovered in the civil suit Moran v Sizzlers. So hit up that free food and down them drinks while the party’s going on.
Last but not least, your keys to the city cost only three hundred dollars per set. Lockpicks! With a bit of gumption, nimble fingers, and quick feet you do not have to look up, green with envy, at the dazzling lights of the homes in the hills. Response time of the police can be anywhere from one to three minutes, depending on traffic. Just enough time to dip your toes in a stranger’s hot tub, root around in their stash for a bottle of Bellatoni’s Finest, and then scoot out the back door as the police kick in the front.
The city can be your oyster if you are willing to take risks, armed with ten lockpicks, you can enjoy a day of luxury vehicles, boat rides, and of course absolutely free Air BnB.
I hope this guide helps you “poors” in your day-to-day struggles.
Disclaimer – WNN, Editors, and Author of this article publish this as satire and are not responsible for silly people who take this advice seriously. Do not try this at home or at anyone else’s home.